I have written and erased this post many times in the last few weeks, it's not an easy one to write. The last few months feel a bit blurry and I am just now moving forward and feeling like Life does really go on. It may be enormously different, but it keeps going on.
About a month ago my Husband was officially diagnosed with MS, he has been having symptoms for over 3 years but several months ago things started to get really bad and he finally agreed to see a Dr. And after a few months of Dr's visits and testing they told us that is was for sure MS, everything else had been ruled out. This news was devastating to us, we were on the home stretch of a long journey and all of a sudden this huge ugly road block was dropped in our path.
My Husband is a grad student and we were hoping that after 3 more quick years we would finally be able to settle down somewhere, he'd get an amazing job, we'd buy a house and give our kids the kind of life we really want them to have. And now we are not sure how that will all work out.
The feeling that I spent most of the last month fighting off was anger, the kind of gut wrenching anger that makes you want to pound and smash things, while crying so hard you can't breathe. I am getting over that, slowly, but if I let myself think about it all too much it's hard to keep from crying. Our lives are going to be much different than we planned.
Being the wife of a grad student with 4 children is hard enough, when you throw an illness like MS into the mix you know things are definitely not going to get easier anytime soon.
It hasn't been all gloom and doom though, we have been very blessed. His testing and diagnosis took a very short time compared to a lot of the stories we have heard, he has 2 wonderful Dr's and some great nurses. They have been very helpful, and supportive. We have had some great and wonderful support from our friends at church, and the Professors at the University, we have been given so much help and support from all that we have had contact with this past month.
I have never been even tempted to feel angry at God, he has laid such a HUGE supporting ground work for this new direction in our life. So many changes in the last few years that were made because they seemed right are now making sense. The jobs my husband held in the past, he would never have been able to continue as his MS progresses. At least with his Bio-Chemistry degree he will still have some good options. We have met people in the last year and a half, after our move, that have experience with MS and are able to give us some great suggestions, and helpful information. As hard as this is we have been given SO much help in dealing with and understanding it.
I know things will be ok, and I feel a bit like I am coming out of a long dark tunnel and am beginning to see that there is light on the other side. So I think I am coming to terms with it. Life really is one crazy ride isn't it.