Sunday, February 1, 2009

This was in an e-mail my Sister-In-Law sent me, too funny :)

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.




I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels..

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose (all though cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels lookingout for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish with in five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .
Oh, by the way.....


A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

10 comments:

Raoulysgirl said...

OMG that is too funny!

Kristina P. said...

This is so funny! And email forwards make me angry.

R Allen said...

Now I am too paranoid to eat, drive, sleep, walk, breathe.

Thank you.

Nonna said...

Funny !
When I get emails like that,I read the first sentence and I just send it back to the person who sent it to me...my time is too precious to spend on that, I have more important things to do...like blogging...Ha Ha !

Lissaloo said...

Yeah blogging is definitely more fun :) Plus I know I hate wading through all the stuff I get, so I very rarely forward anything to people.

Willoughby said...

Thanks for sharing that one! Very funny!

Lissaloo said...

I tend to be a bit paranoid any way so reading some of those things is really bad for me, thank goodness for delete eh? :)

ChristineM said...

Very funny! A year ago, I had never heard of Snopes.com...now I go there at least once a week to see if that email I just received is legitimate! :)

Crystal said...

Dang it..i had my hand on my mouse while I was reading that. thanks a lot!

Tammy said...

Whenever I get the forwarded emails, regarding petitions, or hidden spiders or poop on envelopes, I go to www.snopes.com to see if it is legit.

But, yeah, I hate getting those too.

This was so funny that I copied and pasted it in an email and sent it to everyone in my address book!

Thank you!!!

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